ASK THE COACH
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To Get Love, Give Love First
By Dr. Ray Angelini
The Saratogian
May 16, 2002
Dear Dr. Ray,
My husband and I have lived in our community for several years now and have had difficulty making connections with other couples like ourselves. We are very spiritually- and community-oriented people and we have a strong desire to connect with like-minded people in a deeper and more meaningful way. What would you recommend?
— L.J. in Wilton
Dear L.J.,
There are many people who feel alone and isolated in today's culture. Most of my clients desire more high-quality relationships in their lives, but are at a loss as to how to develop them.
Over the last several decades, life has gotten much busier for most of us, and despite claims from the technocrats, email and the Internet are not connecting us with each other on a deeper level. Most people I know are not longing for more emails, but crave greater intimacy and an opportunity to share with others more of their deeper and truer selves.
While fulfilling your need for a deeper relationship will be challenging, it is not impossible. In her book, Take Time for Your Life, Cheryl Richardson offers several suggestions on how to make deeper connections in our interpersonal relationships. She emphasizes that, "every encounter with another human being is a spiritual encounter."
If we remain open to this truth, it can make it easier to reach out to others and open our hearts to them. When our hearts are open, we are more approachable, and people are more likely to relate with us on a deeper level.
So how does one go about making more soulful connections in their life? As with any significant change, it has to begin with you.
Practice making eye contact for longer periods of time. Maintaining eye contact communicates to others that you are very interested in what they are saying and expresses your desire to connect with them at a deeper level. Smile at strangers and say hello to them. This expresses a warmth and a sense of approachability that can lead to deeper connection.
Be present for others and slow down to take the time to connect. Dare to ask deeper questions of those your care about. Find out what their hopes and dreams are, and you will invariably move the conversation to a more intimate level.
When your heart is open, people will sense that and this will help them overcome their normal fears of rejection and vulnerability. The opportunity for deeper and richer relationships exists everywhere. Practice being present and keeping your heart open and then watch what happens!
