ASK THE COACH
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The Paradox of Parenthood
By Dr. Ray Angelini
The Saratogian
April 13, 2004
Dear Dr. Ray,
My husband and I are planning to start a family soon, and we are both excited and terrified at the prospect. What would you recommend to help us become better prepared to take this step?
— J.T. in Wilton
Dear J.T.,
Being a father of four has been without a doubt the greatest learning experience in my entire life.
Before I had children, I couldn't imagine life with them, now that I have them, I can't imagine life without them. Children will require a great deal of your time, talent and energy, but what you will receive in return will far exceed anything that you put out.
Your children will undoubtedly reflect both the best and worst of you and your spouse. This will be both an exhilarating and humbling experience.
When you become a parent, you will witness your entire world remake itself before your very eyes. You will invariably develop a deeper respect and admiration for you own parents' efforts and struggles as you work through your own endeavors to be a good parent.
To be a good parent, you must learn to become unselfish. Children teach us that there is something in the world more important than ourselves.
Parenthood will summon up in you a perfection of love you likely have never known before. Having children will require you to delay or sometimes even completely forgo the gratification of your own needs and desires. This will take some getting used to, but in the end, I believe you will find that you've gained much more than you have given up.
Try to approach parenthood with a sense of mystery and awe. Parenthood offers us the opportunity to participate more fully in the richness of creation.
We are given the privilege of being co-creators with God of new life, and the joy and wisdom of helping another human being start their journey into the world.
Children are definitely an awesome responsibility, and you should not take this responsibility lightly. Children desperately need a stable family and community life in order to flourish and prosper, for children learn the greatest lessons of life from the context in which they are raised.
Dare to offer your children your highest vision of what is good, right and healthy. It will be very difficult for your children to have high ideals if you and your spouse don't have them and live them out yourselves.
Most importantly, strive to give your children the gift of your time — for there is no greater gift on earth that you can offer them. The time we spend with our children will be the single most important influence on their character and personality, so take special care to give your children the gift of your presence.
So, I recommend that you approach parenthood both cautiously and optimistically.
Parenting can best be described as a paradox. It is in our seeming loss of freedom that we experience a freedom we could have never imagined. It is in sacrificing everything that we receive more than we thought possible.
Parenthood is one of the greatest miracles of life. It will broaden your horizons and give you views into a whole new world. Be open to recognizing parenthood as the gift and honor that it is, and your life will be blessed in ways you never dreamed of.
Good luck and Godspeed as you begin this most wonderful journey.
