ASK THE COACH
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Between Compassion and Judgment
By Dr. Ray Angelini
The Saratogian
May 10, 2005
Dear Dr. Ray,
I have been a spiritual teacher for many years, and despite many years of spiritual work and practice, I still struggle tremendously with judgment. I feel like such a hypocrite, yet I don't know what to do. What would you recommend?
— J.J. in Ballston
Dear J.J.,
Your judgments don't make you a hypocrite, they make you a human being.
Sometimes those of who view ourselves as being "spiritually evolved" struggle the most with being judgmental.
From a spiritual perspective, it is easy to recognize that being judgmental is not the best path. However, as human beings, it is almost impossible not to judge. Rather than viewing your judgmentalism as a problem, I would recommend that you view it as an opportunity to learn how to become more compassionate.
In order to become more compassionate and less judgmental, we need to change our way of being from one of contraction to one of expansion. When we are in a contracted state, we are unable to gain access to the deepest and wisest parts of ourselves. Most of the time, we lie somewhere on the continuum between these poles. The key toward moving toward expansion is having a greater awareness of our thoughts and feelings.
The greatest obstacle to expansion and compassion is our tendency to divide the world into good/bad or us/them. This is referred to as "splitting" or "black and white" thinking. When we are in a state of expansion, we are less vulnerable to this mode of perception, but when we are contracted, splitting can cast a hypnotic spell over us.
Anytime we buy into the myth of separation (i.e., an "us" vs. "them" mentality), we fall in to the clutches of contraction. We fall into judgment, and therefore separation, when we give into the temptation to feel better than or different from another person or group. However, underneath this illusion of superiority is a feeling of separation, and this is why judgments ultimately makes us feel so bad.
Therefore, any type of judgment supports the myth of separation. In addition to perpetuating contraction, it dulls our senses and distorts our humanity.
It is possible to condemn people's actions or behaviors and still feel compassion toward them. This is the distinction between judgment and discernment.
Discernment allows us to be in an expanded state while still having as opinion or belief. With discernments, we are able to view the offending party, and even the entire world, with greater clarity and compassion.
To further encourage a more compassionate view, try to envision the person or group you are judging as a child. Often, this is helpful in softening your view and helps us realize that what we hold against another is often the product of some traumatic experience or circumstance that was likely out of their control.
Discernment is the pathway to compassion, and is the first step toward greater healing and peace, both for us and those we judge.
Dare to be expansive toward those you tend to judge the most, then watch what happens.
